Murphy’s Love: Making the Kids Feel Safe

Dear Stacy,
*I am planning to leave my wife of 10 years. We have been in and out of therapy for the last three years, but we just don’t get along anymore and I have lost interest in making things better. I am very concerned about the impact on our son (age 7), who tends to be very tentative about new things and worries a lot. I want to do this with minimal impact on his life and need to know how to go about this. Please advise.
– Concerned Dad*

Dear Dad:
I am so sorry that things are so difficult in your marriage and I understand that you have lost interest in working it out — sometimes we get to that point and just let ourselves walk away. If you truly feel you have done everything you can do (and I mean you, not your wife —more on that later), then I agree that focusing on your son is what comes next.

I asked Chevy Chase psychotherapist Maribeth Hilliard Hager, LICSW, for her opinion about how to broach this subject. Her advice is that you be completely solid in your separation plan (e.g., location, plan for visitation, how school events will be handled, etc.) before you tell Son a single detail. “We can’t predict the magical things kids are going to come up with to make sense of this big life change, but we can control the plan and show that the adults are in charge of the situation,” she explains. “The parents’ role is to make the kids feel safe in this unsafe situation.”

Specifically, Hager says parents ought to outline how they will support one another and what can be done when problems arise. “This is just really the beginning of many more conversations, so both parents need to give the message that they are available for more in the future,” she says, adding that parents must be careful not to offer more information than the child asks for.
Always be respectful of the child’s relationship with the other parent, she emphasizes.

You and Son will have conversations about this for the rest of your life. That may not sound fun, but that’s reality. Never blame Wife or make negative comments in any of these conversations. If you are comfortable that you did all you could to save the marriage, there’s no need to be derogatory. Hager explains that we never know what parts of us our children identify with most. If you criticize Wife’s “indecision,” you may be criticizing a piece of Son you don’t even recognize.

*Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.*