Murphy’s Love: The Hard Work of Kindness

Dear Stacy,

I have read online that being kind to one another is one of the hallmarks of a good marriage. I know that my husband and I fail at this more often than not, and it’s so discouraging. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our 15 years together. I think the transition to becoming parents was not as blissful as we both expected. While negative comments between us are not the norm, negative energy is, and I know we are not modeling good behavior for our kids. So if I know that kindness is so important, why is it so hard for me to be kind to him? I set my intentions to be nice, but it’s just hard to change things midstream. Any advice?

– Trying to Be Kind

Dear Trying:

First, I want to applaud something you already know, and already stated: you are trying. Trying is 90 percent of the battle sometimes. Getting past the strong defenses built up by years of frustration and resentment, just so you can try to be kind because a piece of you wants a better relationship? That’s hard, hard work. So you are trying. And you should keep trying! But I have just one question.

Does Husband know you are trying?

What I mean is, are you talking about how hard it is for the two of you to be kind right now? Are you talking about your efforts to improve things? Is he reading the same stuff online that you are reading? Is improving your marriage actually on the table right now? If, instead, you are doing all of this covertly, hoping to improve things without ever coming clean about the impact of it all – well, I hate to be blunt here, but that’s not going to work. It’s like a crash diet: an extreme change in behavior without any of the support required to make it last. How about we come up with a real plan?

I suspect that your online research relates to John Gottman’s groundbreaking finding that stable, happy couples have an average of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Your attempts at kindness are an excellent way of boosting the plus column, but you need more. If you and Husband had a conversation about wanting to make things better in this way, he might be more tuned-in when you offer those kind words, and much more likely to reciprocate.

Stacy Notaras Murphy (www.stacymurphyLPC.com) is a licensed professional counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist practicing in Georgetown. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. Send your confidential question to stacymurphyLPC@gmail.com.