DEAR STACY:
My boyfriend of four years just moved into
my apartment in February. This is a big step for
us – we’re both 27 – and we took a lot of time
making this decision. Now I am finding myself
expecting an engagement ring at any moment,
even though he hasn’t mentioned anything about
getting engaged. I realize that when we decided
to move in together, part of me assumed this
was a precursor to getting married, although we
haven’t talked about it that way. In fact, thinking
back to many of our past conversations, it
seemed that my boyfriend was making the point
that moving in specifically was not a precursor
to marriage (e.g.: “This will just make things
more convenient for us,” and “It makes sense
financially” and “Let’s make sure our parents
don’t get the wrong idea and specifically explain
that we are not engaged…”) So I basically lied
to him by agreeing with his take on the situation
and have been lying to myself ever since. On top
of it all, I keep smashing through my desserts in
the hope of finding a ring at the bottom. Then,
I’m disappointed and kind of mean to him for the
rest of the night. What should I do
-Dessert Disaster
DEAR DESSERT:
First, please try not to be so hard on yourself.
You recognize that you are making your
Boyfriend pay for something he didn’t necessarily
order – that takes a lot of self awareness. You
didn’t lie to him. You entered into the agreement
with your conscious brain saying, “Sure, this
makes sense!” But when your unconscious brain
begins to revolt, it’s not a case of having been
dishonest with Boyfriend, you just were not as
conscious as you might want to be. I’d imagine
you were simply following his lead because the
idea of conflict around this is very frightening to
you. Let’s talk about that.
Many people in relationships are afraid to
ask for what they specifically want. We start
from the standpoint: “I’m not going to get it
anyway.. So, why put myself in a position of
being vulnerable?” But that is what love is, at
its best. Love is about being yourself, claiming
your feelings and making yourself available to
another person. If Boyfriend’s quotes are to be
believed, it sounds like you are partnering up
with someone just as scared of being vulnerable
and honest as you are. I have no idea if your true
wants are the same, but it appears that neither of
you are putting them out there. No wonder it’s
so confusing.
I’d recommend a sincere conversation. As
usual, focus on your own feelings, try not to
point fingers, and remain as calm as possible
so that his defenses do not prevent him from
hearing your message. What’s the message? “It
appears that I want more from this relationship,
and I’d like to know your honest, careful and
specific thoughts about whether that’s something
you want to provide.” Leave it at that. This
doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing negotiation,
just an all-cards-on-the-table conversation.
DEAR STACY:
My wife doesn’t want to have sex as much
as I want. We have discussed this; we even went
to therapy. Nothing has changed. I am thinking
about maybe having an affair. It would be nothing
emotional, because I still love my wife. My
needs just aren’t being met and she has pushed
me to this. I am worrying about the possible
guilt, however. I wish I could just explain the
situation to her and perhaps she would agree
that I can find someone for sex only? We have
two kids in high school. So, I don’t want to do
anything that puts our family at risk.
–Lonely and Looking
DEAR LONELY:
Thanks for writing in about what I know is
a tough, although common, topic. I hope you
notice that I am responding to “Lonely” and not
“Looking.” I can hear that you are lonely, but I
don’t think “Looking” is who you really want to
be. Let me explain.
People get married for many reasons, but
just sex is never one of them. Especially not for
a father of two who readily admits he still loves
his wife and has tried couples therapy. No, that
person is maybe, possibly and perhaps looking
outside his marriage because he is depressed
and wanting to feel connected to someone,
namely, his wife. I’m sure you already know that
the root of her low sexual desire could be physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. Meanwhile,
you didn’t give numbers. So, we also cannot
rule out that you actually might have an elevated
sex drive with roots that are also physiological,
emotional or inconclusive. In other words, this
is a very subjective subject.
At the end of the day, your wants do not
match up with those of Wife, the one person to
whom you have committed yourself for many
years, created a home with and raised a family.
Wow. That does feel lonely and depressing, and
fantasizing about some new options makes a
lot of sense. But let’s brainstorm for other ideas
(see a doctor together; negotiate a schedule that
meets you both halfway; see a certified sex
therapist) that don’t, as you say, put your family
“at risk.” Because an affair will put your family
at risk. No doubt. Guaranteed.
Trust me, an “unemotional” affair won’t
work out the way you are imagining it could.
Otherwise, you would already have an open
marriage and wouldn’t be asking my opinion.
Even if Wife heard you, understood you and told
you all was well, this decision will change the
way she views you. It also will change the way
she views your family, and – most insidious and
damaging – change the way she sees herself.
That’s a very long road to repair. Do this the
right way. Go back to therapy; go back to talking
about it. Don’t turn this into something that
she’s “pushed” you to do. Make these decisions
together.
Stacy Notaras Murphy is a licensed professional
counselor and certified Imago Relationship therapist
practicing in Georgetown. Her website is www.stacymurphyLPC.
com, and you can follow her on twitter @
StacyMurphyLPC. This column is meant for entertainment
only and should not be considered a substitute for
professional counseling. Send your confidential question
to stacy@georgetowner.com.
