12/12/12: Not for Another 100 Years

Wednesday is a big day. It could be a really, really, really big day.

It’s 12/12/12. Or dozen, dozen, dozen, doing the dozens, or December 12, 2012, the 12th day of the 12th month of the 12th year of the 21st century. Don’t you wish you’d been around on 12/12/12 of the 12th century? Just Google it.

In any case, this sort of convenient, coincidental but easy to plan for date doesn’t happen often—this particular series won’t occur again for a hundred years, when the great-great-grandson of the last official member of the tea party goes to his grave, whispering “no new taxes.”

For some, it is also a date in the Mayan calendar, and some people believe that this date, or Dec. 21, will signal the end of all things, or in the very least, no new taxes, and a new hairdo for Miley Cyrus. Dramatic things could occur tomorrow including: the end.

As it is, we’re heading over the cliff, or so it seems, although rumors abound that a deal is in the making, that the key people in the negotiations are having lunch, holding secret meetings that are apparently not secret, and, you know, joy to the world, don’t you worry about a thing, even if it ain’t got that swing.

Tomorrow will see the most significant rock concert in quite a while-the Concert for Sandy Relief, by which New Jersey rock stars Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen and (Gov.) Chris Christie will show up with a few of their friends like Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, the wonderful Alicia Keyes, Stevie-Is It Any-Wonder, Eric Clapton, Billy Joel, the Who less two original band members and a host of others, including Brian Williams—who will not sing— at Madison Square Garden. It could be the greatest rock concert ever—and also the last if we believe the people who believe the Mayans. It could be true: there is evidence of a recent archeological find of what are believe to be statues of Mayan or Aztec High Priests, one of whom resembles the current incarnation of Keith Richards, with of an inscription advising believers to go to higher ground. This could, of course, be a spiritual admonition, and certainly should not be taken as a sign to get high.

Be that as it may, it seems 12-12-12 is an encouraging date for wedding planners, who have indicated that it’s a day many more people than usual decided to get married. Possibly, it’s because it’s a day easy to remember which means you cannot ever, ever forget your anniversary.

Oh, happy day, then, tomorrow for brides, grooms and bridesmaids and the makers of “Bridesmaids II” which is bound to happen. Or maybe not, if we go over the cliff, or, if per the Mayan believers, the cliff goes over us. What a honeymoon. Now how does all this play out in the ongoing cliff debate and the politics of the day.

Well, let’s see: Dateline—12/12/12. The White House phone is ringing. No answer. The president’s hot line is ringing. No answer. Eric Cantor’s phone is ringing. No answer. Nancy Pelosi’s phone is ringing. No answer. Grover Norquist’s phone is ringing. Taylor Swift’s phone is ringing, and gets only a recording setting out the rules for any future boyfriend. No answer, not even a dial tone. It’s as if the rapture has already begun.

House Speaker John Boehner leaves a message: “Hey, where is everyone? I’m really starting to worry. We’re going over the cliff, if we don’t do something. I’ll do anything. I’ll even raise taxes on Trump … and be glad to do it. You’re fired, my butt. But hey, seriously. Where are you guys? What’s happened? Somebody locked the door to my office, and I can’t get out. What the hell is happening? Somebody call me, please.”

At the White House, President Barack Obama, Eric Cantor, Nancy Pelosi, all the Republican tea party members, the Democratic as well as Republican senators, and Grover Norquist and Taylor Swift are listening to the message. They are all laughing their heads off. “I can’t believe he bought it,” Cantor says. “That was the deal,” the president says. “I’m glad you guys finally agreed. Let’s get this done.” “You mean, you don’t really want us to raise taxes on the rich, right?” Norquist says. “The hell I don’t,” the president says. “You all agreed and you signed the legislation.” Norquist and the rest hem and haw and start to argue.

“That’s it,” the president says. “I’m out of here. Do you want to go to the Sandy concert or not?” They all agree and sign the agreement, which even has a name called The Screwtape Agreement.

They all head out the door. The building starts to shake a little. “What’s that noise?” they all ask. It’s 12/12/12.

Prepare for the Galactic Alignment.

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Fri, 24 Oct 2014 23:31:11 -0400

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